We’re living through an era that prizes independence above all else. TikTok mantras and self-help books alike abound with the clear, unadulterated message: Put yourself first and never compromise.
Of course autonomy can be empowering, especially for those who’ve spent years sidelining their own needs. But in the realm of relationships, hyperindividualism might just be costing you the very connection for which you yearn so deeply.
Modern love exists in a curiously contradictory space: we’re more connected than ever, yet many of us have never been lonelier.
Ghosting has been normalised. Casual situationships have replaced committed relationships. And beneath it all bubbles an unspoken fear that compromise—once the bedrock of long-term love—is now just code for Losing your identity. But this fear stems from a misunderstanding of what healthy compromise actually entails.
Modern love exists in a curiously contradictory space: we’re more connected than ever, yet many of us have never been lonelier.
Ghosting has been normalised. Casual situationships have replaced committed relationships. And beneath it all bubbles an unspoken fear that compromise—once the bedrock of long-term love—is now just code for Losing your identity. But this fear stems from a misunderstanding of what healthy compromise actually entails.
How does hyperindividualism manifest in dating?
Hyperindividualism is the cultural emphasis we’re seeing in the West on personal autonomy at the expense of collective or relational wellbeing. It’s the idea that self-sufficiency is the ultimate goal, even in contexts when interdependence would surely serve you better.
- “I don’t owe anyone anything.”
- “My standards are non-negotiable.”
- “If he/she can’t love me exactly as I am, he/she doesn’t deserve me.”
Naturally this isn’t to say that boundaries and standards aren’t essential in themselves, but hyperindividualism takes this premise to the extreme, equating compromise with weakness. It frames emotional needs as burdens, and treats vulnerability as a liability rather than a bridge to something fundamentally more nourishing.
Have you ever done this?
- Ended a burgeoning relationship because your partner disagreed with your opinion
- Refused to meet halfway on lifestyle preferences, despite a strong emotional connection
- Ghosted rather than communicated concern or discomfort
- Avoided commitment out of fear of ‘losing sight of who you are’
- Dismissed your own red flags but fixated on your partner’s
These behaviours aren’t malicious, they’re simply protective, but over time they may well serve only to beget distance rather than cultivate closeness.
The 3 biggest misconceptions about independence in dating
1. Needing someone is a flaw in itself
Needing someone you love isn’t the same as being clingy. There’s a world of difference between codependence and interdependence.
We are wired for connection. And according to attachment theory, the need for stable and secure bonds is paramount to wellbeing—not a sign of fragility. In fact, the ability to lean on someone emotionally and allow them to lean on you is a marker of pronounced stability and maturity.
2. Compromise means self-abandonment
Healthy compromise doesn’t mean giving up your identity. It means making space for someone else’s needs alongside your own.
True compatibility isn’t about perfect alignment—it’s about negotiation, understanding, and mutual growth. In fact, compromise often strengthens a relationship because it compels both partners to practice empathy, emotional flexibility, and conflict resolution—cornerstones of lasting connection.
3. The ‘right’ relationship will be easy by definition
Movies and TV (whether reality or fictional) have romanticised and popularised the idea of the effortless relationship. But truly meaningful love often demands that we stretch, adapt, and show up in ways that aren’t always initially comfortable.
The very fact of effort doesn’t highlight that something’s wrong with the relationship; if anything, the most bountiful relationships are defined by the consistent effort both partners invest. We’re not talking grand gestures, but tiny daily acts of kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion which build up over months, years, decades, rendering the relationship an utterly immovable rock of love, passion and dedication.
“So many singles come to us after years of having dated with a mindset of independence, of having thought they had to figure it all out alone, or find someone who checked every single box without fail. But love is not a box-ticking exercise. It’s the ultimate exercise in maturity. Maturity is knowing when to hold your ground, and when to cede it in service to the two of you as a collective.”
The science behind why we struggle to connect
Modern dating culture often champions self-sufficiency, but psychological research suggests that our deepest fulfilment in relationships comes from secure emotional bonds and mutual interdependence.
According to psychotherapist and relationship expert Esther Perel, too much emphasis on self-reliance leads people to reject the vulnerability and compromise that real intimacy requires:
“We want from one person what an entire village used to provide. We live in a romantic culture in which your partner is meant to be your best friend, your confidant, your passionate lover, your intellectual equal, your emotional support system—forever. It’s a lot.”
Esther Perel
Attachment theory: the foundation of emotional bonds
English psychologist John Bowlby laid the groundwork for understanding how early relational patterns shape our adult romantic behaviour. People with secure attachment styles form healthier, more trusting relationships, while those with insecure styles (anxious, avoidant or disorganised) often struggle with intimacy, be that physical or emotional, or just eschew it altogether.
But these patterns certainly need not be set in stone: attachment styles can evolve when you practice self-awareness and proactively seek healthier relational experiences.
The power of interdependence
A growing body of research confirms what therapists have known in practice for decades: interdependence, not radical independence, is the dynamic most conducive to long-term romantic success.
- Couples who prioritise ‘mutual responsiveness’—who are proud to be emotionally dependent on one another—report greater wellbeing and stronger bonds than those who idealise independence.
- People with ‘relational self-construal’—who see their relationships as central to their identity—experience higher relationship satisfaction and greater commitment therein.
- Partners who support each other’s goals rather than viewing them in isolation are happier in their relationships. Conversely, conflict around goals reliably predicts dissatisfaction.
Wellbeing and emotional interdependence
There’s also evidence that partners who share emotional interdependence—in whose relationship one partner’s moods and feelings influence those of the other—tend to be more empathetic, resilient, and satisfied in their relationships. This emotional synchrony enhances a couple’s sense of shared reality, which serves as a protective buffer against the inevitable stressors life throws their way.
How does hyperindividualism impact dating culture?
The endless options at our fingertips in the age of dating apps make tangible the notion that you might be able to do better, that ultimately you might just be settling. Potential partners are products, lined up on a conveyor belt to be swept into the basket or unceremoniously swiped off the production line.
In a city like London, fast-paced and heavily career-oriented, it’s even more tempting to deprioritise connection unless it fits seamlessly into your existing lifestyle. This trend toward self-centredness is exacerbated by media’s glamorisation of the lone wolf, the empowered single who ‘doesn’t need no one’.
Of course there’s truth to the beauty of solitude, but frankly the pendulum has swung so far that many singles legitimately feel shame in their desire for closeness, affection and intimacy. If that sounds unbelievable, I get it, but trust me, as a matchmaker I see this sheepishness frequently, and firsthand.
Elevating independence above all else risks you never learning how to actually act in a relationship with a real person (not an avatar on the screen). It may make it more likely you attract avoidant partners who ultimately reinforce the isolation nipping at your ankles. It means losing the opportunity for growth through conscious compromise. And more than anything, valorising independence may just make you lonelier than ever, unable to bask in the ‘freedom’ you thought was meant to be making life glorious and liberating.
The strongest couples we match are those open to growth. The ones who know that love isn’t something you find, but something you build.
Reclaiming connection in a me-first world
As with anything in life, of course independence has its place and merits—but that’s a long way from the hyperindividualism we’ve explored today.
Connecting with your own values and identity is deeply empowering, but it mustn’t override the recognition that love is a joint venture if you want to be happy. Otherwise you risk forming a protective shell around yourself—‘putting your walls up’—and keeping out those with the potential to transform your life for the immeasurable better. Autonomy should not be armour, because emotional interdependence is a strength, not a threat. Vulnerability is not weakness; it is a special and exclusive invitation to intimacy.
If you’re looking for real connection but struggling with letting your guard down when it matters, we can help. Maclynn’s expert team have empowered thousands of clients to be emotionally vulnerable and honest with someone special. As a result we’ve nurtured countless couples who might otherwise have never seen the beauty inherent in compromise with the right person. And we can help you too.
Get in touch today, and together let’s uncover how you can keep your independence and let love in.
