Desperately Seeking Susan?
It’s easy to fear that your relationship number’s up. When on earth is there any time to actually have fun? Our lives get clogged-up with that four-lettered word – “work” – and as we know too well – all work and no play makes Jill (or Jack) a dull girl/boy. There’s nothing more off-putting to a potential partner, than a “Desperately Seeking Susan” – who turns up at social events, or on a date, in a state of eager anticipation of finding The One, in a state of extreme agitation and self-obsession.
Happiness is an inside job
The bottom line is that happiness is an inside job. Until you really feel good about yourself, then you can’t possibly begin to attract the right partner. I advise my dating coaching clients, that before they even venture out into the relationship jungle, they have to put in the inner work, so that they start to feel good about themselves. Then the magic begins to happen afterwards.
The prescription
The first step in the journey towards joyful togetherness is to take out a “self-care contract” – on yourself! The medicine which I prescribe for my clients is to do three new things every day, which they really enjoy – just for the hell of it. It’s surprising how many people rail against taking this medicine. Conflicting demands, guilt about feeling self-indulgent, inability to prioritise – these can all be stumbling blocks. Being good to yourself needn’t be expensive or time-consuming, bubble baths, writing in your journal or simply chatting to a trusted friend can be an immense tonic and pick-me-up. If you do this inner homework diligently, you’ll soon reconnect to your Va Va Voom!
Make a list of activities you enjoy and then take action!
Socialising as a singleton can feel very daunting. It’s important not to listen to your inner negative chatterbox which may conjure up a million reasons why NOT to do this, that or the other. There’s no downside to venturing out on your own, as long as you take precautionary measures with your personal safety. What do you enjoy doing? Could you find a club or association which you might join? What about that sport you always wanted to try but never dared? The more interests you develop, the better you’ll feel – and hey presto – the more attractive you’ll become to a prospective partner. Your conversation will become more engaging and animated and while you’re busy connecting with the other person in a deeper way through a shared interest, you may come to discover a completely hitherto disguised and different aspect of their character. The pressure of finding The One lessens – and everyone relaxes. You might even begin to have FUN!
Fun and One Excuse-Busters
- 1. Variety is the spice of life. Suck it and see. Take a walk on the wild side and propel yourself into pastures new.
- 2. Confidence is an incredibly sexy quality in a man or woman and is a gift granted to us by living life to the full, on every level. Go for it!
- 3. Seek to extend your network and make new friends of both sexes.
- 4. Maintain your perspective – and your sense of humour – always.
- 5. Keep an open mind and be like Robert the Bruce – if at first you don’t succeed, try, try and try again.
- 6. Lighten up – be good to yourself, first and foremost because, as the L’Oréal shampoo slogan goes – you’re worth it.
By Cynthia Spillman
Cynthia Spillman is Chief Executive of The International Dating Academy, an inspirational coaching organisation for people who wish to improve their dating skills. She was previously Chief Executive of Dinner Dates and was trained by world dating authority and best-selling author, Rachel Greenwald. Cynthia holds a Master’s degree from the University of Cambridge and has a background in psychology, training and group facilitation. She is married to her third husband, Peter, and is based in West London. Her heartfelt personal motto is “live life – love life.”
