Katy Horwood (guest writer for Metro UK and the Huffington Post) interviews one of our matchmakers here.
Maclynn: It’s great to be able to sit down and chat with you. Your blog is very fun and irreverent. It’s nice to see women giving serious but humorous advice. I especially liked the one about how to tell if you’re dating a bad boy.
You focus on straight couples, for the most part, do you think there is a significant difference between long-term dating for gay men, and straight couples? Or is a LTR an LTR no matter how you slice it?
Katy Horwood: Yes I think it probably is. Relationships are so individual that I think it probably depends on the couple, having said that (and obviously I can only speak from personal experience!) I find that the gay couples I know who are in long-term relationship can be more open-minded about flexibility in relationships. That’s not to say that they’re all comfortable with infidelity but that they put less pressure on themselves to ‘fit’ within the constraints of what society expects of them and what a long-term relationship ‘should’ mean.
Maclynn: One of the main problems we’ve found with online dating apps seems to be that there’s a sense there’s always someone just a little bit better waiting out there, causing people to feel discontented in their relationships. Especially when there are so many hookup apps targeted to gay men. Have you found that, and is it a similar problem in relationships that begin in person? Do you think this is something new, or that it’s part of dating that has only just become apparent because of online stats and polls?
Katy Horwood: I hate dating apps!! Ha, Ok maybe hate is a too strong a word, but I do think they have played a massive part in people’s ‘grass is always greener’ attitude. I think having thousands of people at the swipe of a button, might increase choice but it also significantly decreases the energy people invest into relationships and the way they value one another – I guess I view dating apps as a necessary evil these days, but I’d really like to see people stepping back from the candy store aspect of it and investing themselves in what they had at the time instead of looking over the proverbial fence for something better!
Maclynn: Our team of matchmakers have backgrounds in psychology and sociology, and we use it to find gay, professional couples we think will have an emotional bond. Obviously attraction is a big part of romance, otherwise it’s a friendship, but do you feel there too much weight put on that initial spark? Romance has been known to grow from less-then-auspicious beginnings.
Katy Horwood: Not at all, I think chemistry is everything in a relationship – and that is why people actually meeting one another is so vital, it doesn’t matter how many facts and figures you’ve got down on paper – there is nothing like a face-to-face meeting to really get to know a person and see if there is an ‘initial spark’. That being said, it can grow over time, just because a person doesn’t feel fireworks on a first date it doesn’t mean it can’t grow – I think if you’re unsure see it through to date 3, if there’s still nothing by then, then yes, time to move on!
Maclynn: After people have been single for a while, we’ve found they frequently become too focused on a list of requirements they want in a partner? How important do you think open-mindedness is when it comes to looking for a life partner?
Katy Horwood: Again, open-mindedness is so important. Writing about dating a relationships everyday, it literally makes me weep, the amount of single people who are actively looking for love and yet continue to deny themselves so many potential opportunities because they won’t negotiate on their list of what they require in a partner – it’s infuriating!
I’d never push someone to settle but if you’re list includes details like ‘no one under 6”’ ‘no one who isn’t into country music’ ‘no one who doesn’t earn over xx amount’ you really should consider that it might be these stringent rules that are holding you back!
Some of the most amazing relationships I’ve had are with people who, on paper, were nothing like what I thought I was looking for but when it came to meeting, we just had that spark and all my rules, lists and requirements went out the window!
I’d say to a person who had a long list – take a leap of faith, and a chance on somebody you wouldn’t normally go for, you might be surprised at the results.
Maclynn: What are the main obstacles that people set up for themselves when looking for love? For us, we’ve found that straight men often rush into rebound dates – gay men tend to focus too exclusively on looks. More importantly, people make rules for new relationships based off previous ones. They also focus on one not-so-important detail or another instead of looking at values, characteristics, and energy. Is there a common thread you have seen?
Katy Horwood: Agree with all of the above. Of course, when going into a new relationship it’s very difficult to not carry over a bit of emotional baggage from your past, but really, when at all possible, it’s important to ‘start where you stand’ (dreadfully woo woo, but there’s a lot of truth in it) and just be in the moment as much as possible.
Meeting people is hard enough without giving yourself the extra drama of preconceived ideas and expectations – and as for looks? Charm and sex appeal are so much more important (and longer lasting too) sure, have a ‘type’ but keeping an open-mind and meeting people face-to-face is the only real way of discovering a true connect and chemistry.
