"Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out."
— Monty Python: Quest for the Holy Grail
The date went amazingly. He was charming. He was sexy. He was funny.
You get home, high on life (and maybe just a little giddy from the wine). And then… you wait.
He doesn’t text you the next day, or the day after that. Questions start swirling in your head. Was it something you said? Maybe it was that joke? Or could it be you had something stuck in your teeth?
Just as you’re ready to move on and head back into the sea of potential matches, a thought lingers – what about the ‘three-day rule’?
The Three-Day Rule: What Is It?
In the world of gay dating, the three-day rule typically goes thus: wait three days after your first date before you call or text. It seems simple enough until you start to think about it. Do you call on the third day… or do you wait three days and then call on the fourth day? Is day one the day of the date, or the day after? What if he calls you before then?
Does the Three-Day Rule Work?
In our opinion, this isn’t one of those ‘sound at its core’ pieces of dating lore – frankly, it’s just nonsense. To all singletons, here is my proclamation: There is no ‘correct’ timeframe in dating.
Every relationship is unique, as is every dating process that leads up to a relationship. Allow things to move at their own pace; work on instinct, on what feels natural and right.
The main reason not to follow the three-day rule is because it’s secretly about the so-called infamous ‘chase’. I don’t know about you, but I want to start a long-term partnership with someone who likes me, not someone who’s interested because I appear aloof. The latter might seem cool and enigmatic for a short while, but it’s no basis for a long-lasting, meaningful relationship.
Does the Three-Day Rule Still Apply in Modern Gay Dating?
In today’s digital age, where communication is instantaneous, the three-day rule seems almost antiquated, if not completely irrelevant and counterproductive.
Dating apps, WhatsApp, social media – nowadays, there’s really no excuse for leaving your date hanging for three days before at least telling him you enjoyed your time (or gently letting him know you’re not interested).
While many of our clients still find themselves worrying about when to reach out after their first date, the three-day rule has been supplanted by other terms – such as ghosting and breadcrumbing – which show us just how much our communication expectations have evolved over the last 10 years.
What is the Psychological Effect of Dating ‘Rules?
Feeling like you need to follow arbitrary rules like the three-day rule can instil an unnecessary sense of anxiety in your dating life. You might feel you need to change your behaviours to be perceived as desirable or even begin to question your natural instincts in social interactions.
Rigid dating norms like this also encourage a performance-oriented approach to dating. You become more concerned with how you’re perceived than with establishing a genuine connection. This focus on success over authenticity does little to encourage real intimacy and trust to develop, which are essential foundations for any lasting relationship.
Our Recommendation: Communicate On Your Terms
If you’re concerned about appearing too keen – take a moment. Reassess the situation. Arbitrary rules make things more stressful than they need to be.
It’s not a game of chicken; you can call when you like. Numerous studies over the years have found time and again that straight-talking individuals are perceived as being better dates – there’s no confusion, they just lay it out there and let the other person do with it as they will.
If your date is more concerned with the number of days or hours you waited before phoning him, you’re most likely well shot of him anyway! He’s certainly not a likely candidate for your life partner.
Reach Out via Message
Instead of calling your date one, two, three days later, send him a message after you’ve parted company. Give it an hour or so and then text something along the lines of ‘I had a great time tonight’.
It’s the perfect way to a) let him know that you’re thinking about him and b) indicate that you would be interested in another date.
There’s none of the pressure of a phone call, and none of the awkward waiting. How and when he responds then becomes his prerogative.
Communications are now open. You’re interested. Their move. Either they’re interested, or they aren’t – it’s as simple as that.
3 Top Tips for Communication After a Date
1. Don’t play games – be open and honest with your feelings. Remember there’s someone else on the other side of the phone, too – always act with respect.
2. Don’t wait to text simply because you don’t want to look too keen. If you’re interested – let them know!
3. If they respond positively, don’t wait to make plans to meet again. If you went for a drink for your first date, why not suggest dinner at that restaurant you’ve been wanting to try out?
Expert Support for Your Dating Journey
Navigating your way through the ever-complex world of the London gay dating scene can be confusing and tiresome. Here at Maclynn, we offer not only matchmaking but date coaching too.
Our in-house dating expert, Madeleine Mason Roantree, has over 15 years of experience helping people to help themselves find their ultimate match. Why not enquire with our London dating agency to see if this is something we can work on together – and help you find true love?
At Maclynn, we have an exclusive network of some of the world’s most exceptional gay men, all just waiting to meet that special someone. Get in touch today – find the man of your dreams tomorrow.
