When a new prospect sweeps into our life—sexy, captivating, and utterly unexpected—we’ve all experienced that rush to share everything with them: our hopes, our dreams, our darkest secrets. Sometimes before the meal’s even arrived.

No matter how many times we try to walk it, that finest of lines demarcating vulnerability from overexposure—‘coming on too strong’—never becomes less of a tightrope. But a balancing act is possible—it just takes practice, self-awareness—and maybe a little more self-love, too.

Perhaps you’ve been on the receiving end in the past. Reams of texts laying out their ambitions, family feuds, deepest fears, or a verbal barrage to that effect half an hour into the first date.

We all know premature intimacy when we see it—so why is it so hard to stop ourselves from wobbling off the tightrope the moment we are confronted with a beautiful stranger? And how can we balance the wild fantasies of our life together with not oversharing too soon?

What is premature intimacy?

Premature intimacy is when you share yourself too fast, whether emotionally or physically, giving your affection or body without first having laid the foundation of trust, attraction and mutual respect necessary to keep a relationship rock-solid for the long term.

Premature intimacy is driven by the understandable desire for quick connection—but it’s also exacerbated by our immersion in a culture of instant gratification. We want love now—despite rationally knowing that the best things in life are nurtured, and thus take time, energy and care to forge.

What might premature intimacy look like in your life?

It’s easy to recognise when a new romantic partner is moving too fast—we feel it in our gut, that pang of realisation that this is too much, too soon.

But would you recognise when you are being prematurely intimate?

  • Sharing traumas early in your dating, like detailed accounts of abusive relationships or childhood neglect
  • Cancelling plans just to see them, and finding yourself constantly distracted in the day-to-day just waiting on that next text
  • Immediately relying on them for emotional support, treating them like a therapist or confidante, rather than letting the dynamic develop naturally
  • Introducing or permitting sex or physical intimacy early, driven by a desire for immediate connection or validation, without having first established trust and emotional intimacy
  • Oversharing online about your new relationship, including intimate photos and details, eager to convey an image of bliss that may not reflect the depth of the actual connection
  • Welcoming them into your home and synchronising your lives—sharing passwords, running errands for them—before clear boundaries are in place—more on that now:

Boundaries are the underpinning of any healthy relationship

Boundaries are where you end and they begin, both physically and emotionally. They are the invisible guidelines empowering us to navigate a new relationship.

Boundaries are the guardrails preventing us from toppling over into premature intimacy, constructed on firm and loving communication. Boundaries aren’t only about protecting you—they’re about protecting your partner, and protecting the relationship from the vagaries of your own imperfections and insecurities, so your bond can deepen and grow as you both deserve it to.

‘You can only give from what you have. This helps me resist temptation to give more than I have to give.’
Yesel Yoon—Clinical Psychologist

What does the science say about premature intimacy?

Swathes of research has considered the different ways we relate in relationships, and who is more disposed to premature intimacy. Much of this decades-long exploration of romantic interrelatedness swirls around attachment theory, which asserts that our adult relationships bear out patterns ingrained in earliest childhood.

People who are securely attached are better equipped to set and maintain appropriate boundaries—they have a knack for letting the romance and intimacy blossom without forcing the issue or worrying that it isn’t going to happen at all. But those with insecure attachment styles struggle with boundaries, leading to relationships marked by extremes—premature intimacy or its counterpart, coldness. Those with anxious attachment might overshare, or seek constant reassurance. Those with avoidant attachment might build walls, or leave their partner dangling, perennially unfulfilled.

There’s also codependency to consider—excessive reliance on one another, representing a dissolution of both partners’ boundaries. Your sense of self get tangled inextricably in theirs; you can’t differentiate whose needs are whose anymore. Codependency can turn toxic, your identity becoming hazy, utterly enmeshed in your partner’s.

The culture’s not exactly helping matters

We live in a world that values—or at this point maybe even expects—speed and efficiency. And oftentimes that’s great, that’s what we need to get things done—but a relationship, a genuine connection destined to last, cannot by its very nature be rushed.

Yet so much of the culture we imbibe (whether consciously or otherwise) encourages us to fast-track to ‘the good bits’—the sex, the holidays, the travel—without demonstrating clearly enough (or at all) that the good bits come only from time invested in ‘the other bits’: getting to know one another; slow, conscious dates of heartfelt conversation and openness; checking in and supporting one another through the drudgery of the day-to-day. Despite the fact that, when you reflect on a happy relationship, those bits were just as happy and meaningful as the Hollywood moments.

  • Social media platforms like TikTok, Facebook and Instagram are stages on which the relationship is performed, the audience somewhere out there in the ether, the thespians showcasing their newfound happiness with meticulously curated photos and declarations of love. The illusion is all too easily bought into—and not only by the paying plebeians below, but by the players themselves aloft the limelight. Yet often this leads to unrealistic expectations and a compulsion to overshare, as one or both partners seek further validation through public displays. Look out for the couple who broadcast every date night, every milestone, weaving a narrative that ultimately prioritises external validation over actual connection with the only person who matters in this equation: their partner.
  • Reality TV like Love Island and The Bachelor portrays accelerated relationship timelines, with contestants explicitly expected to form deep bonds, express emotional vulnerability, and engage in physical intimacy in a matter of weeks. This implies that true love is effortless and easy, in keeping with a culture built on the wobbly foundations of quick gratification. But shows like these—while they can be pretty addictive—normalise unhealthy communication patterns, and create a distorted view of the pace at which healthy relationships actually develop. More basically, with elements of these shows like the staged arguments and apparent love triangles, they depict relationships as having to be filled with constant drama—characterising rows and emotional intensity as perfectly normal signs of passion and commitment.
  • Finally, downstream from the culture we imbibe there’s the societal pressure (or at least, perceived societal pressure) to be unboundedly ‘open’ during the early stages of dating. If you’re giddy with the idea of having found your soulmate, it’s understandable you’d share all manner of intensely personal details—only to regret having done so the next day. The idea that ‘true love’ means knowing everything about one another straight away can encourage partners to dive headlong into emotional intimacy without having laid the crucial cornerstones of trust and connection.

‘So many intelligent people struggle when it comes to navigating vulnerability and oversharing—including when it comes to sex. What I tell my clients is this: prioritise gradual trust building. Establish clear boundaries, both emotional and physical. In the long run this protects you and your partner; you nurture a loving environment for genuine connection.’

— Rachel Maclynn—Founder and CEO, Maclynn

The fallout from rushed connection…

For many people, premature intimacy is driven by a genuine desire to come together, but unforeseen consequences may cascade quickly thereafter:

  • Overwhelm: Sharing deeply personal information about ourselves or engaging in intimacy early can be incredibly intense—especially when we realise after that we weren’t ready. Overwhelm can lead us to withdraw just to shield ourselves from further anxiety.
  • Regret: The knowledge that we’ve overshared can make us feel vulnerable and exposed—we fear judgement, even rejection, as we fret over how our revelations might be perceived.
  • Codependency: If both new partners are chronic oversharers, they can end up validating one another’s premature intimacy, blurring boundaries, and losing their own sense of self.
  • Instability: If the spark fades—if expectations go unmet after having been raised prematurely—the burgeoning romance may fizzle, no matter how hot and heavy the first few weeks or months have been.
  • Demystification: The early days of a relationship should swim with thrill and discovery, both partners slowly, sensually revealing themselves whether emotionally or physically. Premature intimacy robs you—the collective ‘you’, the couple—of the intrigue, the anticipation essential for forging attraction and loosing those butterflies in your stomach whenever you lay eyes on one another.

…and the art of conscious connection

We’ve all done it—good luck finding someone who’s not gone too hard too early with some gorgeous newbie rocking up in their life, only to lay bare their soul and send this sexy stranger scarpering in the other direction.

Boundaries are paramount—emotional, physical, sexual—but that’s not the same as putting up walls around yourself and fortifying them with distance and standoffishness. The art of establishing healthy boundaries is double-pronged: for a relationship that is both fulfilling and destined for longevity, you need to prioritise self-respect and cultivate gradual self-disclosure. Rushing and pressurising either yourself or your partner will probably serve only to either cut the relationship short or spawn some toxic codependency. But if you’re struggling, you don’t need to work this through alone.

Maclynn’s expert team have empowered thousands of clients to work through difficult relationships, and thousands more singles to find love. If you have a tendency to overshare and sabotage your own romance before it can get off the ground, your dedicated relationship consultant can help you explore where this disposition comes from, how you can recognise it cropping up again with someone new—and what you can do to mitigate any self-destructive drive toward premature intimacy. Get in touch today, and together let’s forge a new path ahead for your love life strewn with fun, passion, and truly sustainable intimacy.