How often do you switch on the evening news and then actually feel like you either want to walk away from it or switch it off? Ever wondered why that might be? Is it possibly because all you are hearing is negative and depressing? Important and valid information, but somehow weighty and heavy, and you long for a little light relief?
If you stop and think about your friends and acquaintances, can you instantly pin point the people who you really love to spend your time with? Who can you think of that is always a shot of energy and seems to always have a smile on their face? How about that person who makes you laugh and look at things from a positive perspective, and doesn’t come across as a whinger or complainer? Aren’t they a joy to be around?
Then there’s that acquaintance of yours who the very mention of them makes you quietly groan. You think to yourself, well I don’t mind them too much if we are in a group, but one to one, please no. There’s something about their energy that is just toxic and draining. They can’t wait to share their latest misery, pain, issue, obstacle, disaster, or complaint.
Bringing ‘baggage’ can sabotage a date
When it comes to dating it’s worth stopping to think about this. We’ve all lived a life before we meet our date for the first, second or third time, but the big question is do we haul along our excess emotional luggage with us to potentially sabotage what might turn out to be something really good?
Some people exhaust themselves hauling their entire past relationship and life experiences luggage with them to the point of it being back-breaking to dating success.
Timing matters
Listen up…..this is important….dates are not interviews and they are not therapy. If you sit down to a date and begin to interrogate or feel the need to pour yourself out immediately, you are skidding towards a date car crash. Put the brakes on internally and think about what you want to say or reveal. I’m not suggesting that you should be evasive or ambiguous, but make a mental note to think about the positive angle to everything.
Blurting out things like; “My last girlfriend? Where do I begin? It was a complete nightmare. Her obsession with shopping was insane. She did not get on with my Mum at all and never wanted to come to Sunday lunch with the family. I was the first boyfriend she had been with for quite a while. And the way it ended…..well”.
Are you bored and feel negative vibes coursing through your veins just reading that? Engage in conversation like that and you’ll do a better job of draining your date than a vampire would. Now having said that it is important to be open and honest in your dialogue but there is a time and a place, and the first few dates is not ideal. If you are so damaged and hurt you feel the need to get your excess baggage out on the table from the get go, it smacks of insecurity and mistrust to your date before you even get started.
Give this new connection a chance
Reality check, they are not perfect and you don’t know each other yet. So don’t ruin your chances of success by assuming you need to get past relationships and issues out there from the get go. It is also has the potential to look like you are pinning emotional issues you have experienced on someone you don’t even know yet. Give love a chance!
So when it comes to speaking about things that might be quite sensitive for you, it’s all about how you frame it and the circumstances. If it’s really necessary to talk about your baggage, then do but carefully. The scary thing is that our excess baggage can often manifest itself in ways that are not as obvious as an outright “this happened to me” conversation.
You can quickly ruin a potential relationship by projecting your own self-doubt on other people. Your negative internal feelings can make you judgemental or defensive when you really don’t need to be at all. It takes a bit of courage and strength to step back and catch yourself in the act.
The other relationship killer is paranoia over infidelity. It is important to start fresh with someone rather than assume they will or can behave the way a previous partner has. If we don’t start on the basis of trust it is likely that we will appear clingy, needy, or feel the need to place them under surveillance. Creeping into someone’s personal space because of past relationship experiences around trust is a sure fire way to encourage a fight. Ultimately we are all individuals and need to function as a unit as well as a partnership.
Take a moment and think about your excess baggage before the weight of it threatens to stop you from travelling down the road of romance.
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