When we get to know someone, it’s only natural to focus on the overtly fun parts of dating. You might discuss your ambitions, family, lifestyle, plans for the future.

But it’s also worth exploring how you each handle those less comfortable moments. How does this person behave when they’re frustrated? Can they admit when they’re wrong? Do they shut down when challenged, or stay engaged? And can the two of you find your way back to each other after a tough conversation, even after an outright argument?

Of course, conflict itself isn’t necessarily a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Research from The Gottman Institute suggests that 69% of relationship conflicts are ‘perpetual’, meaning they stem from ongoing differences in values, personality or lifestyle, and may never be completely resolved. Instead of trying to eliminate these differences, couples can benefit from learning how to manage them, through communication, compromise, understanding, and respect. Because ultimately, the quality of a relationship depends way less on avoiding disagreement, and way more on how partners handle and repair conflict when it inevitably occurs. That’s why today I’m laying out the 6 questions that have helped my clients over the years broach tricky points of conflict in their relationships.

1. How do you respond to disagreements?

Everyone has a different ‘style’ of conflict. Some people want to talk things through straight away. Others need time to process. Some become more animated when they’re upset, some grow quiet and reserved. What really matters is whether they understand their own tendencies and can communicate them to their partner.

Think about it this way: what happens when your partner doesn’t get their own way? Do they listen? Become dismissive? Look for compromise? Or if they need space, can they explain that without disappearing?

Rather than asking your partner whether they’re “good” at conflict, ask about a disagreement they’ve had with a friend, loved one or previous partner. Listen carefully to how they describe what happened, and whether they can recognise their own contribution. Healthy conflict doesn’t even necessarily mean ‘calm’ or ‘civilised’ conflict. Two people can disagree passionately, vociferously, while still treating one another with the utmost respect.

When I discuss compatibility with my clients, I encourage them to look beyond how easy a relationship might feel at the beginning. The much more revealing factor is how they and their partner respond individually and to each other when an obstacle appears in their path.

2. What are your expectations around honesty and openness?

Honesty sounds straightforward until you start discussing what it actually means.

For one of you, honesty might mean sharing everything with the other. But for your partner, it might mean being truthful about important matters while maintaining some personal privacy.

What matters is whether your expectations are compatible.

How does each of you feel about potentially sensitive subjects like finances, contact with exes, social plans, work pressures, family expectations? Then you might ask what privacy means to each of you, or how comfortable you both are with receiving constructive criticism.

3. How do you show appreciation or regret when needed?

A sincere thank-you, a heartfelt apology: these carry so much more weight in a relationship than people realise.

Consider how your potential partner expresses appreciation. Are they naturally verbal, or are they more inclined to convey affection through their actions? Do they notice the small things you do?

Then consider how they respond when you tell them they’ve hurt you. A genuine apology means they’ve first recognised what’s actually happened, then taken responsibility and shown they understand the impact of their words or behaviour. By contrast, framing an apology through the classic “I’m sorry you feel that way” likely shows an avoidance of responsibility.

Consider the following:

  • What makes an apology sincere?
  • Is it easy for you to admit when you’re wrong?
  • How do you like your partner to show appreciation?
  • What makes you feel valued?

These conversations can reveal how someone gives and receives emotional reassurance.

I encourage clients to think about whether they feel secure enough with their partner to be properly honest with them. Attraction is what brings people together, but it’s that emotional safety net that enables the relationship to deepen.

4. How do you handle criticism without getting defensive?

Even constructive feedback can feel like a personal attack when someone’s stressed or insecure. It’s therefore worth paying attention to what happens when you raise a concern.

Can your partner listen without jumping in to explain why actually they’re in the right? Can they acknowledge your experience even if they disagree?

There’s also a key difference between criticism and complaint. “You never listen to me” is an attack on someone’s character. “I feel like you’re not listening to me” homes in on a specific experience, while encouraging the receiver of this information to reflect on whether it’s indicative of a wider pattern of behaviour.

Research into couples’ communication suggests that the way partners handle disagreements is linked to the overall wellbeing of the relationship. A 2013 meta-analysis spanning no fewer than 74 studies and over 14,000 participants highlighted a moderate association between the so-called ‘demand–withdraw’ pattern, whereby one partner pressures or criticises while the other withdraws, with subsequent poor relational outcomes. This finding demonstrates the importance of constructive communication. Disagreement is fine in itself, but patterns like criticism, pressure and withdrawal render conflict far more difficult to manage. On the flipside, listening, validation and openness enable couples to navigate their differences much more effectively.

5. What boundaries are important to you when it comes to conflict?

Every couple needs boundaries around disagreements. Some of us are comfortable having difficult conversations late into the night. Others know that would exhaust them, or they’d become reactive after a certain point. Some need a short break before continuing, while others find prolonged silence unsettling. The important thing is agreeing on what respectful conflict looks like.

You might both agree on such ground rules as:

  • personal insults are off limits
  • arguments should never include threats or intimidation
  • either person can request a break if emotions become overwhelming
  • taking a break doesn’t mean abandoning the conversation
  • private relationship disagreements should remain private
  • past mistakes shouldn’t be continually used as ammunition
  • major decisions shouldn’t be made in the heat of an argument.

Boundaries are not about controlling another person. They establish the conditions under which both people can communicate securely. And if your approaches differ, that doesn’t automatically mean you’re incompatible. The question is simply whether you can negotiate a middle ground that equally respects both partners’ needs.

6. How do you rebuild that connection after a disagreement?

A disagreement can leave both partners feeling distant or misunderstood. Strong couples aren’t necessarily those who avoid disagreement, but those who know how to repair it, to take responsibility and reconnect. This might involve an apology, or humour, or affection. Perhaps a thoughtful conversation is in order, or an acknowledgment that the argument grew more heated than intended.

Repair also means being willing to revisit a conversation once emotions have settled. Sometimes the most constructive response is not to find an immediate solution, but to understand what happened and what each of you needs moving forward. Pay attention to whether your partner can see beyond simply wanting to be ‘right’, and instead show genuine curiosity about your perspective. That willingness can be a powerful indicator of emotional maturity.

Healthy repair doesn’t require you to pretend the disagreement never happened. Rather, it might sound like:

  • “I’ve had some time to think, and I get why you were upset.”
  • “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I’m sorry.”
  • “Can we start this conversation over?”

These statements move the couple from opposing sides back towards the same team.

Looking beyond chemistry to find lasting compatibility

When you’re dating with the intention of finding a life partner, attraction, shared interests and aligned lifestyles all matter hugely. But many singles don’t realise that compatibility in communication deserves equal attention.

In my experience as a matchmaker, having helped hundreds of clients over the years, you don’t need someone who handles conflict exactly as you do. What’s most important is whether you can respect one another’s needs, communicate honestly, navigate differences, and build bridges when things go wrong.

At Maclynn, our expert team have honed for over a decade a psychology-led paradigm empowering clients to look beyond surface-level attraction and consider the core elements of a successful relationship: values, personality, relationship goals. So if you’re ready to meet someone genuinely aligned with your vision for the future, get in touch today, and let’s work together to tailor a bespoke, professional approach to your love life.