Every couple has its milestones, and one of the most pivotal is the day you move in together. Sure, you’ve been bunking at theirs during the week because it’s closer to work, and they’ve been spending every weekend at yours so the two of you can spend as much quality time together as possible.

But making things official—knowing this is it, that no longer is there a ‘their home’ and ‘my home’, only an ‘our home’—that’s a huge deal. Because it represents the definitive union of your lives, the implicit promise that you’ll commit to each other until the end of your days. Of course relationships don’t always work out, but that’s a caveat, a technicality. The point is, in principle, you’re saying, “You’re the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

But how can you know if you’re ready? There’s potentially a lot of factors at play for both you and your partner, and there’s no one-size-fits-all timeline. Some couples date for years before making a go of it. Some move in together in a matter of weeks. At both ends of the spectrum invariably are friends and family saying it’s a mistake, it’s too soon (or too prolonged)—but, at least most of the time, the people who know best are simply the two lovers.

It’s still good to have some guiding rules to refer to, though. That’s why today I’m outlining 3 broad but incredibly useful questions to ask your partner (and for them to ask you) to see if you guys are ready to move in together.

How soon is too soon?

The answer to this question is unique to each couple. It depends not only on the practical implications for their lifestyles, but also on the depth of their trust and attachment, the extent to which they’re embedded in one another’s lives.

That being said, some people do just want a number to work with. (I’m one of them—sometimes even when I know there’s a myriad of considerations at play, I still want some concrete aim, some quantifiable target, if only for me to then work toward it at my own pace.) So to those people I say: give it a year. One year, on average, is a solid amount of time to get to know whether this person is someone you can easily commit to spending the rest of your life with.

But don’t obsess over that number. For some couples, cohabiting just ‘feels right’, occasionally as soon as within a matter of weeks. And considering the fact we all know couples who did that and went on to have fruitful lifelong relationships—including, I suspect, many readers’ grandparents—who is anyone to judge when two people overtly in love decide the time is now?

The Conversation: 3 questions to ask

1. “How will our finances work?”
Will you split rent down the middle, or apportion it according to your respective incomes? Which expenses will be shared, and which will be separate? Money talk isn’t romantic—but actually, the fact you’re discussing the nitty-gritty of the potential life you want to create together is far more demonstrative of your commitment than some arbitrary big grand gesture.

2. “Have we learned to argue in a healthy way?”
No couple has ‘perfected’ the way they argue, but if you’ve reached the point where you’re communicating clearly and honestly, working together to overcome disagreements, and listen to one another’s grievances with an open mind and open heart—well hey, that’s one massive green flag right there.

3. “How will we split chores?”
Do you simply hate washing up but your partner doesn’t mind it? Are they a secret gourmet chef with a talent for the culinary while you struggle to make toast? You guys are a team—in some senses it’s helpful to consider the two a single entity, working toward common goals. Play to your strengths, but at the same time pick up the slack even if it means taking on a chore you can’t stand. Doing something you enjoy and which also pleases your partner is easy. Doing something you dislike for the good of the relationship isn’t so easy—but often means a lot more.

One final question—and the most important of all

“Are you excited?”

Simple. Unambiguous. But answerable in a million different ways.

This is you and your partner’s chance to truly open up, to express how you both really feel. Interpret the question however makes sense for you, and respect your partner’s space to do the same.

You might hesitate and say to me, “Well hold on, that’s a leading question. Surely instead I should be asking ‘How do you feel about us moving in together?’”

I get that, but I disagree. No matter your circumstances as a couple—no matter how long you’ve been dating, the practicalities of your potential cohabitation, the varying opinions of your nearest and dearest—if you’re not both overjoyed at the prospect of making your own little corner of the world just for the two of you, well—you might not be ready.

And that’s fine.

Don’t pressure yourselves. Better to know now than to live together for three months and find yourselves drifting apart, realising this relationship isn’t what you’d hoped for after all.

So if you’re not ready but are still happy and comfortable in the relationship, great! At least now you’ve sown the seed, and the cohabitation question can be readdressed once you guys are certain. Once you’re both truly, passionately, unapologetically excited to move in together and build a life hand in hand, arm in arm, looking out on the world in the same direction. From the window of your home.

Maclynn is a boutique, multi-award-winning introductions agency with offices in London, New York, New Jersey, and California. We’re world-renowned for bringing together highly compatible singles within our vast network of attractive, intelligent professionals, and our matchmakers are relationship experts in their own right. Get in touch today, and prepare for genuinely meaningful dating—just like you deserve.